a sad goodbye.

This blog post has taken me a long time to write.  On most occasions I log on, ramble away with no real direction, say "good enough" and hit publish. This time around, I struggled to find the words.  I'd type a few sentences out only to delete them a few minutes later.  I always say that it's not official until it's blogged, but some things I'm just not as eager to make "official".  

Last Saturday, my grandma passed away.  She'd been sick enough that we knew it was coming, but the fact that it didn't take us by surprise didn't make it any easier.  

I was close to my grandma, which I'm sure can partly be credited to the fact that she was only 40 years older than me.  Growing up, people often mistook her as my mother instead of my grandmother.  We had many conversations over Facebook and text message, and she was so proud to have recently learnt how to use FaceTime.  Whether she intended to or not, she always had a way to make me laugh... such as the time that she told me she'd Googled what "Twerking" meant.   On one of our last Facebook conversations in late February, we talked about planning a trip together. She was retired and wanted to visit some place new, I was on maternity leave and an experienced traveler happy to play tour guide. The next day, she went to the doctor and shortly after that, she was admitted to the hospital.  Everything has happened so fast that it's hard to comprehend that she's already gone, and that we'll never have the opportunity to take that trip.  

She was an amazing grandmother not only to me, but to my cousins Chantelle and Kiara as well.  She was supportive of our life choices, whether she agreed with them or not.  She was my biggest fan, telling me time and time again that she was certain I should be a singer, model, writer, photographer... and whatever else I'd decided to pursue at any given time.  She never missed a blog entry, and cried reading 90% of them when I lived overseas. She accepted Ryan as part of the family and gushed over our daughter... her first great-grandchild. She even cuddled with Niko and offered to dog-sit despite years of declaring her dislike of dogs.  On one of my last visits to see her in the hospital she told me how proud she was of me as a mother, and that will stick with me for the rest of my life. 

It was impossible to leave her house without a full belly and a second helping of dinner. As a child, Grandma's house meant consuming my favourite foods and being allowed to use salt and butter to my heart's desire.  Nothing was ever more important than her family members, and I'm so lucky to have been one of them. 

It's only natural to wish for more time together.  All of those times that I bypassed her home in Ponoka en route to Edmonton because I didn't want to get home too late... if I could go back now I'd stop and visit and stay to chat until midnight.  We can't change the past or bring back the people that we love, so instead of wishing for the impossible and wasting time with regret, I choose to be thankful for the time that we did have together. For nearly 28 years. For the sleepovers and camping trips. For the lunch dates and Facebook chats. For the fact that Ryan and Aaralee were able to meet her.  Most importantly, I'm thankful for the fact that my grandma is no longer in pain and is reunited with her love, Gary.  I know that right now they are together catching fish and getting suntans on the most beautiful of lakes.  

She'll be greatly missed by myself and our entire family.
 I love you Grandma, and I can't wait to tell Aaralee all about you as she grows up.